MamaGrizzly

Matthew 6:25-34

25″Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?
28″And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

My husband always says, “Every moment of pleasure is paid for by a moment of pain.”

He is so right.

In continuation of discussing my parenting journey, it’s my belief now that when parenting “musts” are directed at me, that the “must” or the advice must transcend culture and time. For example, when people say that formula is better than breastmilk, there’s no way that can be true. If it WAS true, then God would not have given women breasts, water would be pure wherever we could find it, formula would be available on trees and baby bottles with nipples would be easy to find and make. And please, I’m not getting into the formula versus breastmilk debate here - I have a child that DID get formula. I’m just arguing the directive that “formula is better than breastmilk”. It can’t be - that doesn’t transcend culture and time. It certainly is not a part of God’s plan.

Let’s take another one. Some parents today choose to sleep with their children (commonly called co-sleeping), some parents choose to place their children in a crib in another room. But to say that you MUST place your children in another room by themselves is just simply ridiculous advice. Again - it doesn’t transcend culture and time. For thousands of years, people have slept with their children. Even in Biblical times, families slept together. My 80+ year old Father grew up very poor on a farm with 3 brothers and he remembers everyone sleeping together. In primitive areas of the world, they STILL sleep with their children in order to keep them warm and safe. And, in many cultures (take the Japanese for example), even though they are an industrialized nation, they still sleep with their children as well.

I actually had a friend tell me that if our children slept with us, it would ruin our marriage. I find it ironic in a nation that has probably the lowest number of people co-sleeping has probably the highest divorce rate. I hardly think co-sleeping is the problem in America. If sharing sleep, like families have done for centuries “ruins” your marriage, I’d say that you probably didn’t have much of a marriage to begin with. In our culture today in the US, it is a choice parents can make because of central heat, and because of economics (we have bigger homes, we have more money, they manufacture cribs now, etc.). It’s not a “right or wrong” decision and it certainly doesn’t transcend culture and time. It’s simply a choice that parents today can make for themselves.

Another example - feeding infant babies on a schedule. You can pick up lots of books today that recommend you feed a child on a schedule. For parents who choose to formula feed, I think it’s probably a better way to feed a child. But feeding a child on a schedule requires that you have a watch or some means of accurately telling time and also requires that you have the ability to somehow record those times. It’s really difficult for me to believe that that is how women across all cultures and across time have breastfed their babies - on a schedule. It doesn’t make sense and again it doesn’t transcend culture and time. Do you REALLY think that Mary fed Jesus on a schedule? I’m not much of a betting person but I would have to bet that Mary was probably pretty relaxed about nursing Jesus and simply fed him when he showed signs of hunger. I believe that if God had intended for us to breastfeed on a schedule, we would have been born with watches on our wrists that always worked.

Can you stand one more example? Cry it out….. I’ve thought about this one a lot and I just don’t see how this type of advice can transcend culture and time. Take the example of my Father with 3 brothers in a 2-3 room house on a farm (actually it was more like an elaborate barn from what I’ve heard). Do you think that my Grandmother made those boys cry it out to get to sleep? I hardly think so - it doesn’t make sense. If she had, then everyone in the house would have been awake every time a baby was awake.

Do you see where I’m coming from on some of this? I mean in todays America, people have bigger houses and separate rooms and it’s easy to leave a child in a room by themselves to cry themselves to sleep. Doesn’t mean it’s “good” advice. And it doesn’t mean that’s how we have always parented - again, through my eyes it doesn’t transcend culture or time. And can I be just a little bit “cliche” if you will? When I was struggling through the “cry it out” advice (friends and parenting classes told me it was “required”) and my own son was crying in his crib, I found myself on my knees deep in prayer asking God for help. And the only image that popped in my head was a picture of Jesus with small children flocked around them and he was loving them. And, I couldn’t help but asked myself the question - If Jesus walked into my house right now and was going to give me some advice on my crying little 5 week old baby, what do I think that advice would be? What would he do to help me in my parenting journey? And the only answer I could come back with is pick that little baby up and hold him and love him. I can’t believe his advice would be any different than that. I’m sorry but if making infant children “cry it out” was a necessity in rearing children, there would have been several references to that in the Bible, wouldn’t you agree?

It’s helped me immensely to take a HUGE step back from the specifics of parenting my children and take a look at the “forest”. What is my overall goal? What do I want to accomplish at the end of the parenting journey and how can I best get there from where I am today? Sometimes when I’m a little bit frustrated with one of my children, I try to remember that it’s not about the specific “behavior” and it’s more about the long term connection with these children. It’s a journey - and a long one - and I just don’t believe any more that there is any one set of “rules” or “advice” that should be followed. I try to remember too when friends ask me advice to preface my statement with “Well, this is what worked for us with child A but it didn’t work that way with child B”. That has definitely been the case for us in all of this. My son needed the rocking and the cuddling to fall asleep - my daughter doesn’t - she’s TOTALLY different. So, what has become important is that we recognize the needs of our individual little children and try to meet their unique set of needs. And that’s the other reason I try to steer clear of “recipe” parenting books - there’s no right or wrong answer for every child and there’s no right or wrong answer for every family. It takes love, patience, kindness, understanding, and God to raise a child. And THAT is a true “recipe” that works in raising children.

Our life is measured not by the number of breaths we take, but by moments that take our breath away.

I’m not sure when I’ll be back but I have a few scheduled posts.

For some reason the concept of “attachment parenting” has gotten a bad reputation and I truly don’t understand why. But, my suspicion is that it’s because many people make “attachment parenting” out to be a checklist of things that you MUST do in order to attach with your children - and that is simply NOT the case. But, I believe that those people who ignore the concept of attachment to their children are really missing the mark in their parenting journey. (More on this in future blog entries.)

Before I had my son, I was absolutely inundated with books from friends that were “must read” books. Many of them were “recipes” for succesful parenting and promised things like my children would sleep through the night by a certain age or that if I rocked them to sleep, they would be “too attached” to me at bedtime. “Too attached”? Is that POSSIBLE? I mean, we ARE talking about an INFANT here and not an 18 year old that should be ready to start the venture out on their own. But I really struggled with all of the advice and books and parenting classes. How can it be THIS hard I thought?

Well, my son was born and for the first week or so, we just loved him and enjoyed the time. We held him as often as we wanted to and didn’t worry about it. And then my friends crept in with their advice (mind you these are friends with VERY small children - no adult children) that I needed to stop rocking my child to sleep. And I thought - are these people for REAL? I’ve waited a VERY long time to have children and for CENTURIES we have been rocking our babies to sleep. Heck, for CENTURIES we’ve been SLEEPING with our children simply because people didn’t HAVE cribs or “other” rooms to place children in. Not to mention that fact that we didn’t have central heat so the ONLY way to keep a child warm was to have them sleep with their parents.

But, my husband and I “worried” about things for the first couple of weeks. And then around 4 weeks of age, my son started to “wake up” and that period of time with him was difficult. Suddenly it seemed impossible to get him to sleep. I had tried the “cry it out” advice and it just seemed unnatural to me (besides the fact that it just didn’t work with our son). I mean, is this REALLY what God intended for us to do with our children? Make them cry themselves to sleep at such a tender age? MAKE them become independent at such a young age? And if that was God’s purpose, to make children “cry it out”, why on EARTH did he make women’s breasts leak every time they hear a baby cry? Had God somehow “messed up” on the design on breasts? I hardly think so.

And then my older sister came to visit me when my son was about 5 weeks old. And what a blessing that was. She was on the “other” side of her parenting journey with children in their 20’s and 30’s. She is what I consider a “Titus 2″ woman - a Godly woman that I look up to and admire. She was the kind of Mother that I wanted to become. And I base that not only on how she raised her children, but on the relationship that she and her husband now have with their adult children - and it’s a marvelous relationship - one that I truly hope to have with my children when they are adults. They are truly friends and confidants now and they simply enjoy the pleasures of spending time together.

So, with all of that in mind, I knew that I had a lot that I could learn from my sister. And simply watching her for those few days helped me change my mind immensely in all of the parenting “information” out there. I watched as she cuddled him and rocked him and assessed his needs. And she reminded me that the amount of time that we actually get to rock our babies to sleep is VERY short. I spent so much time asking her how she had raised her girls. Remembering that she is 21 years old is a reminder that truly she’s in a different generation - a generation that didn’t have the Internet and didn’t have a lot of books. But, she DID have other women from the family around to help her parent.

My questions to her over those days must have seemed rather silly because I asked things like, “How long did you rock your children to sleep? Did you worry about them becoming “dependent” on you? Did you worry about nursing them to sleep (she nursed her second daughter for a long time)? Did you make them cry it out?” And during that time, I remember reflecting with her - I was around when her youngest child was born - I was 9 years old. And, I very much remember all of the love that was given to that child at bedtime and how my sister and mother would take turns rocking that baby to sleep. And then we talked about all of the cousins in the family (there were about 7-8 other cousins very close in age to my sister). And they all raised their children the same - they simply met their children’s needs and loved them - and built relationships with them. They didn’t worry about fixing perceived “problems” - they worried more about the relationship they were building with the child. And as I sit here now on the other end of their parenting journeys and look around me, I see some TRULY wonderful people who are AWESOME adults that I enjoy spending time with. They all have a relationship with God, and FABULOUS relationships with their parents and with the whole family. Every single one of them - and they are all between the ages of 22 and 41.

But the funny thing is that she had no answer for my “detailed” questions. The questions were ones that she completely could not relate to on any level. And neither can any of the cousins that are her age who all have adult children. They loved their children, they worked on their relationships and they worked on keeping family traditions and more importantly keeping God in their daily lives. Noone has ever served time in prison, almost all have gone to college, all of them attend church, and all of them have great relationships with their parents. I have a lot of Titus 2 women around me, wouldn’t you say?

So, now as I’m a few years into my parenting journey, my focus is so much more different. And, now, I’m kind of the “nut” in some aspects amongst my friends because I don’t really follow ANY parenting “book” or “theory”. Don’t get me wrong - I DO read and I read LOTS of books. But there is no one “book” that I subscribe to. I concentrate more on theories of parenting and relationships more than “recipe books” because I don’t believe the “if you do this, this is exactly what will happen”.

And, my selection of authors has changed rather drastically. I no longer look for the “popular books” or the “Super Nanny” books. If a book is about child psychology or parenting, then the author must have either a doctoral degree in something related to children or psychology or something along those lines. If a book is written by someone who truly is more of a parent, then my question becomes “Do they have adult children? What is their relationship with those children?” I certainly don’t want to emulate the parenting of someone who is completely disconnected from their own adult children - that’s not the advice I plan to follow. And isn’t that the overall goal anyway? To produce children who are honest, who love God, and whom I can continue to have a relationship with? I do believe that is God’s design that we come full circle at the end of our lives.

And, I have other qualifications for parenting “advice”. For example, if someone is going to give me parenting “advice” that is something that they insist “MUST” be done in order to be successful in my parenting journey, then that advice must transcend culture and time. And THAT is a topic for a future blog entry!

I’m beginning to think that this is never going to end!  FoxNews has an article this morning about Winnie the Pooh Playsets being recalled.   Below is a quote from the article:

More than 90,000 children’s products, most imported by J.C. Penney Co. Inc., were recalled Thursday for containing dangerous levels of lead, a government safety group announced.

J.C. Penney recalled Chinese-made Winnie the Pooh play sets and decorative ornaments with a horse-theme, as well as art kits made in Taiwan and Vietnam. Totaling 70,400, the toys imported and sold by J.C. Penney all had excessive levels of lead in their surface paint.

Lead is toxic if ingested by young children. Under current regulations, children’s products found to have more than 0.06 percent lead accessible to users are subject to a recall.

Parents - if you aren’t concerned, you SHOULD be.   And you should definitely be thinking about buying toys made in the good ‘ole USA!

Someone sent this to me - if anyone knows the author, please let me know - I’d love to give credit.

Thanks to ChrisM, I can credit the author as David J Pollay

How often do you let other people’s nonsense change your mood? Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day? Unless you’re the Terminator, for an instant you’re probably set back on your heels. However, the mark of a successful person is how quickly she can get back her focus on what’s important.

Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson. I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab. Here’s what happened.

I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks,skidded, and missed the other car’s back end by just inches!

The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us.

My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was friendly. So, I said, “Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!”

And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, “The Law of the Garbage Truck.”

Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to d ump it. And if you let them, they’ll dump it on you. When someone wants to dump on you, don’t take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. You’ll be happy you did.

So this was it: The “Law of the Garbage Truck.” I started thinking, how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me? And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people: at work, at home, on the streets? It was that day I said, “I’m not going to do it anymore.”

I began to see garbage trucks. Like in the movie “The Sixth Sense,” the little boy said, “I see Dead People.” Well, now “I see Garbage Trucks.” I see the load they’re carrying. I see them coming to drop it off. And like my Taxi Driver, I don’t make it a personal thing; I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.

One of my favorite football players of all time, Walter Payton, did this every day on the football field. He would jump up as quickly as he hit the ground after being tackled. He never dwelled on a hit. Payton was ready to make the next play his best.

Good leaders know they have to be ready for their next meeting. Good parents know that they have to welcome their children home from school with hugs and kisses. Leaders and parents know that they have to be fully present, and at their best for the people they care about.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let Garbage Trucks take over their day.

What about you? What would happen in your life, starting today, if you let more garbage trucks pass you by? Here’s my bet. You’ll be happier.

Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so..
Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don’t.

Believe that everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance , TAKE IT!

If it changes your life , LET IT!
Nobody said it would be easy…

They just promised it would be worth it!

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

I’ve often heard the phrase that if we live long enough, we will leave this world much the way that we came in.   I have had a lot of time to reflect on this in the last few years as my 80+ year old Father has gotten older and now after visiting with him after a very difficult hip surgery, I had an opportunity to reflect on this while sitting at my Father’s bedside for 3 days.  It was hard trip for me as I had to leave my cute little toddlers behind - thankfully I have a marvelous husband who insisted that I go and despite the children being sick the entire time, my husband has told me over and over how much fun he had with the children. God has blessed me immensely!

I’ve watched my Father over the last couple of years progress from no naps, to taking 1 nap a day, to taking 2 naps a day.  It’s interesting because in that same period of time, my toddler has gone from 2 naps a day to 1 nap a day.  I’ve watched as occasionally he has become confused. I’ve also watched that he is an absolute creature of habit - boy howdy does that sound like a toddler or what?  Habits and routines - toddlers and the elderly thrive on those things and remove one of those and functioning normally can be difficult.

My Father had a bad fall and fortunately got to the phone and was able to call my sister.  After the initial hip surgery and some rehab, they found infection and so 2 more surgeries, lots of drugs and antibiotics were administered.  He’s now completely out of his element.  He’s in strange places moving around all the time with unfamiliar people and unfamiliar surroundings.  And worst of all, my Mother is no longer here to be that “rock” of foundation the way a Mother or Father is to a child.  What does that do to a toddler when they are in an unfamiliar surrounding and Mommy or Daddy didn’t bring them there to help them get adjusted?  Well, those of you have parented know that it brings about fits of tantrums due to unfamiliarity and anxiety.  They are out of their routine and out of their element - and it’s difficult.  It’s been exactly the same for my Father.

So this brings up a great comparison - I should treat my children exactly the same way as I treat my Father in his current state.  Would I get mad at him and yell at him for doing something he shouldn’t?   Of course not.  When my Father gets upset, I try to calm him down, console him, remind him who I am (a child wouldn’t necessarily need that), and simply be there for him. In other words, treat him with kindness and love.  And, just like when my toddler says, “Mommy! I don’t like you!” and my response is, “Well, I’m sorry about that but I still love you!”   My response to my Father when he says something mean will be along those same lines. It has to be, doesn’t it?  And with my Father, it very much boils down to treating him exactly the way I would want to be treated.  Should that be any different than how we treat our children?
It’s just been such a reflection for me these past few days in my parenting and in my struggles to parent.  It’s a reminder that my toddlers deserve the exact same treatment that my Father does.  It’s truly been a time of reflection for me and a reminder that my toddlers (well, my toddler and my preschooler) need the same amount of patience that I have with my Father.  And, it’s the same love and patience that will provide for a better long term relationship with my children.  And folks, that’s what it’s all about with our children - building a relationship. 

I’ve also been reading a book the last few days while my Father has been sleeping. The book is titled “Hold On to Your Kids - Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers”. It’s a fabulous book and I can’t wait to share more of it. But the book is about connection - and connecting with our children. It also talks about how our society has changed and how much more critical a strong attachment is with our children.

I noticed in my travels the last few days that getting Internet access was rather difficult.  I found that some of the places I went charged for Internet access - some charged $4.95 per day, some $6.95 per day.   I refused to pay but rather “expected” that most would charge.  But, I had a chat with my sister about it and she brought up a very valid point.  She runs her own website design and graphics business and does photography as well (check out her site ).  She works out of the home (she’s a 1 person team - doesn’t make sense to buy office space).  So, when she meets up with potential customers, she’s always looking for a place that has free Internet access.  Well, that means that those places that charge aren’t getting her business.  Interesting to think that simply by charging a $4.95 fee, businesses could be losing out on a LOT of money - think about it.  They are probably going to meet over lunch, they’ll probably stay a little longer, eat a little more and pay a bigger tip for the convenience.  Makes you wonder - will having Internet access be a requirement of the future for certain types of businesses and restaurants?  I for one hope so!